Trivia.

It is hard to know what to write this week. If you aren't aware of what is happening in Turkey google it. It makes everything else seem less important. Fethiye remains peaceful and safe. You are as safe as you ever are to travel here.

We are starting to gear up for summer - the children finish school next Friday for three long months of holidays. I'm pretty happy about this. I genuinely like having the boys at home. Hero is heading off on this camp it looks like an amazing experience. And by amazing I mean he will enjoy the tree climbing and rafting no end, and I am so so glad I don't have to watch! We also have to make a decision on whether Rafey is ready to progress to the first class. He is not an academically minded kid, and proper school is really hard work. He has also had some speech difficulties. After one year in the pre-school he is much improved, but not perfect. It might be better to give him another year doing easy things than push him to go further when he is not really ready-ready. This summer I will be trying to help him learn to read, if he manages we will let him go into year one. If not we will have a big palaver on our hands trying to stop him.

This made me laugh a lot. Screen shots of amusing captions on TV

Riots

Yesterday my brother-in-law had to close his shop doors and hide. He thought he was going to have to spend the night there on the shop floor. Instead he managed to make a run for it and got a lift with a passing stranger close-ish to his home. The riots have come to Ankara. Tear gas was fired, and protesters tried to run away through his shopping centre. There were no buses, no taxis - the downtown district was effectively in a bubble.

Here in Fethiye there have been peaceful protests, regularly scheduled, and only turned back by the police when they got to close to the AKP Party (the government) headquarters. But we will not be going into town today. The children are dissapointed. The circus is in town and we have tickets. However no matter how peaceful things may currently be, it takes one small spark of over-enthusiastic policing, or one tiny match of grieved protester for things to change.

I don't know what I feel about it all. The pictures of streets carpeted with tear-gas canisters are disturbing. But the fires and the rage of the people are disturbing too. I don't think Erdogan (the prime minister) is all bad - Turkey has a debt free, rapidly growing economy - but I am not so keen on his rather controlling attitude. I would prefer finances to be spent on alleviating inner-city school class sizes of 60+ rather than a new airport. But I don't actually know how government finances work.

I will not be joining in the protests. I am far too ill-informed. This is not my country - if I don't like how things are run I should get out. But I am glad the the Turkish people have found a voice, that they are standing up for what they believe. It is their country and my hopes are that they will be allowed  express their opinions.

We wait and see what Monday will bring.

Let's be better than that.

I just found out Dawn French got divorced. I'm in shock, and by "shock" I mean "more than averagely surprised," I've not been hospitalised or anything. I'm not sure why I am so surprised - she's one of the celebrities I feel like I know. I love her confidence, her humour, her multicultural, long-lasting marriage. Now I feel confused. I am regularly confused about something, but it's not a state I relish. Her marriage has ended, she's remarried, she's lost weight... what? 

I think perhaps I find her having lost weight a little more disturbing than her having got divorced. Marriages end, it takes two people to make them work, and sometimes they just don't. But with dieting... that's a personal decision. And to be honest it is usually a negative one, or at least the process feels quite negative.  I mean does anyone ever really want to diet? You don't think "Yay! I am morbidly obese, I can change my whole life, and protect my health by losing weight!" you think "I have to do this, I have to do this, I have to do this. I can't do this. This chocolate is what's killing me. Why am I like this? Why am I such a failure?" 

I guess the issue I have is that I find it so very sad when people can't see how awesome they are and feel like they have to change themselves to become closer to some stereotypical idea of beauty. As it stands, I am the only person I know who has ever gone on a diet without beginning the process feeling ugly, or even slightly ashamed at my extra kilos. You can read about how I got to that place here if you want.  I know there must be other people out there who view themselves not just with acceptance but positively but I don't know them. 

One of the expats who vacations on my complex gifted me a load of magazines this week. They are old. I think the newest is from 2011. Not that it makes any difference to me. The only time I read those semi-trashy, celebrity, "real life" magazines, is when someone gives them to me. I don't follow those types of stories on the news. I might watch them on TV if  a) my scathing-of-popular-culture-husband was out, and b) we had a TV. Flicking through them there were two things I noticed. 1) I don't know anybody. Actually, that's not quite true - I had heard of Richard and Judy, but Coleen (Kai is running her ragged / wants to be healthy again;) Alex (angling for a payoff;) Kerry (hiding her love for this man;) Denise (jets off to save marriage;) and Leandro (first interview) - no idea. In some instances I don't even know the gender of these people. 2) These magazines are not positive, but are very much given to exaggeration. For example - one headline "Richard and Judy: Rocked by new family drama - Chloe reveals all" sounds like something bad has happened. As if there really has been some terrible trauma in their lives. Turn to the story - Chloe (Richard and Judy's daughter!) is happy and enjoying life, working on some show called "Dancing on Ice." The great family trauma...? They did a bit of research on their family tree and they had a dodgy ancestor. Is that news? obviously not for a serious news publication, but even for a trashy mag that has got to be stretching it. Two thirds of the front page given oven to advertising a non-story. How weird. Obviously it is total wishful thinking to want companies to only print stories if they are actually news worthy (you can't just pick and choose when you bring out you magazine after all) but surely their headlines should be a little more honest? I mean, okay they can't write "Richard and Judy experienced a non-event this week!" but maybe "Richard and Judy: surprised they have an interesting ancestor!? Chloe mentions it in passing."

Anyway, where am I going with this. I don't think that how miserably so many women think about their bodies is all the medias fault. The media print what people think, exaggerate it a bit, realise it sells, keep printing it, people keep reading it, and start to believe this is actually how the world is. One of the glossy magazines I was gifted was having a "positive ageing issue." According to their headlines you can "look better feel better live better;" eat "7 foods to keep you younger;" "take years off your body;" "rediscover your sex appeal" and enjoy some "facial creams and treatments tested just for you" (the bold typing is theirs.) None of this strikes me as positive. At least not more than superficially so. Where are the articles about mature women teaching younger ones how to appreciate themselves exactly as they are? Where is the shared wisdom from people who have really lived? Where is the article about people with marriages who have worked and lasted and still have something to talk about around the dinner table? Where is the pride that you have lived, and survived, that you have helped make a country in which women can be considered equal, in which we live longer than ever before? Where are the stories about older women who have really achieved something with their lives? Why on earth are women being completely fobbed off with articles about how to look younger?? Fine - people want to look their best, but a positive ageing feature and that is the sum total of the positivity - you can look better. WTF? Where is the afterwards - you go on a diet, you buy some new clothes, you get some good face cream and that's it. All your goals in life are fulfilled? There has to be more than that - women are better than that. Humanity is better than that. Nobody reaches old age without having loved and lost people – without understanding how transient life is and learning to value every second.

So to Dawn French - good job losing weight. But thank you for being a person who lets life shine through you. Who has had a career longer than my entire life span. Thank you for making the world a better place with your amazing ability to see truth and make it funny. Thank you for making dark places light. You have made a difference, and I am grateful.

Life List.

I love lists. The put the world in order. They make me feel like I just have to follow a few simple steps and my whole life will come together. They allow me to see exactly what I have achieved and indeed that I have achieved something. This week I have come across two which at first glance appear different but actually have a few similarities. The first was from one of my all time favourite blogs, called Rules for life. it includes gems such as

2. Don’t make happy people sad.
and
10. Don’t use the word “literally” when you really mean “figuratively”.  It literally makes me want to stab you a little but I don’t do it because that’s illegal and also because I have a very limited amount of knives.

It really is worth a click to read the whole thing, she has the perfect mix of honest and hilarious.

The second list I came across was posted by multiple friends on facebook and is called 22 things happy people do differently. Surprisingly there is the occasional cross over between the two life lists. I have to admit I am not so keen on the second list. I am surprised how many times I have seen it re-posted. It is very very positive, glass half full, find your inner zen and the world can't hurt you, type of stuff. 

Not that I don't think it's valid. I do. At least I do a bit. I have often heard people say, (you know "people" someone somewhere, a specific person not so much, more a collective memory of people saying at some point, maybe) that "there are two types of people in the world - those who see the glass half full and those who see it half empty." I'm not either of those people. I see a glass with water in. I'm slightly more optimistic than pessimistic. I have great faith in trying. But I like Plan B's. And I really really like to have worked out every potential thing that could go wrong before I commit. It drives my husband crazy. He is a massively optimistic dreamer. It is his best and worst quality. I dislike ill-thought out dreams. I like them to be backed up with a healthy dose of reality, I don't want to be the person who pisses on the parade, but I find it really hard just to get excited and not point out the flaws. I try to comfort myself with the theory that I am saving people from much larger disappointment later on, but mostly I just feel like a spoil sport.

Anyway the point of this. I think the "happy people" list, is aimed at optimistic people. I'm not convinced people who are naturally pessimistic can just hear someone say "don't sweat the small stuff" and do it. In fact there is a fair few things on that list that from past experience I am very bad at - having a list tell me I can't be happy unless I achieve these things is just setting myself up for failure. A good example would be the first up on the list "don't hold grudges" because "happy people understand it is better to forgive and forget." Hmmm. How exactly can you just forget stuff? I think bad things leave their imprint on you. It's part of what builds you into a well-rounded person. Forgiving sure, but forgetting? Are you maybe just supposed to forget a bit, but not so much that you let someone treat you like crap again? Or is it meant to be a total goldfish thing - each day is brand new and no matter how many times you get knocked down, you get up with a smile? Bullshit. You learn, you get good judgement, you make better choices, you stand up for yourself. You don't forget. You don't have to hate the person who hurt you, but you don't have to just forget and trust again either. Actions always have consequences  The link is there in case you want to read what all the fuss is about - I've included a free pinch of salt.

So these things got me thinking. What would I include in my life list. The most important things I want to pass on, to live by myself, to time travel back and say to past me. This is what I came up with:

1. Right now you are the youngest you will ever look again. Enjoy it!

2. Where education is concerned try not to close any doors. You should enjoy the journey, but it's taking you somewhere. Know where.

3. Seeing both sides of an argument is great, but sometimes you need to stand up and say "No. This is wrong."

4. Remember your regrets. Learn from them. It will be incredibly hard to forgive yourself. Don't ever stop trying.

5. Your beliefs may have changed a million times, you may have been wrong a million more times. That doesn't mean you should stop having an opinion.

6. No matter how much you respect someone, don't trust blindly. Think, question, reason, make up your own mind - you have to take responsibility for you own actions.

7. The things that will keep you up at night are the times you didn't show compassion. Be kind.

8. If you don't laugh, and laugh hard at least once a week, something in your life needs changing.

9. do you remember the people who told you at primary school that "everyone is best in the world at something"? They were wrong. It is not even vaguely realistic that every single person on the planet can be the best in the world at one thing. Unless you are stupidly specific like - you are the best sister to your brother, or the best carer for your cat etc. This doesn't make you the best sister, or the best cat-carer in the world. It doesn't matter. You don't have to be the best in the world, you just have to live life to the best of you ability.

10. Having a happy life means focusing on lots of different things / people as important. It means you may never live up to your potential in any one area. This doesn't make you a failure.

11. Don't question things that bring you peace, cherish them.

12. Nobody wants to live squashed up in a box of rules and expectations. Don't feel guilty for wanting to be free, allow your family and friends to be a part of your freedom.

13. Just because you can do your clothes up, doesn't mean they fit.

14. Have faith you will eventually reach the place you long for.

15. Very few of you life decisions have been wholly negative, remember how unexpectedly positive things can (eventually) be.

16. You know life is short, don't let that panic you into rushing. You are not an under-achiever you have better timing than you think.

I'm only 30, it's a work in progress.

I nearly forgot this awesome list  I saw a month back on Turkey with stuff in's blog. It has a lot of short but coherent life lessons. I'm surprised how goal orientated a lot of my list is, I guess that is my current preoccupation so that's why!

Trust and Lies.

I've noticed recently, that I seem to lie to my kids a lot. Here are some recent examples:

 "Mum, does this have onions in?"
Instead of saying "of course it does, it would taste crap without onions, it's always had onions in and you've been eating them for years. Ha ha."
I say "err I don't remember..."

 "Mum, where are you?"
Instead of saying "I'm in the next room blind child, I walked past you precisely five seconds ago and ruffled your hair."
I say "I'm on the moon!"

 "Mum what's this red circle with a dot in the middle of it on the pavement?"
Instead of saying "I have no idea, a workman's idea of original graffiti maybe?"
I say "It's a magic spot, and if you stand on it and say the magic words you get shot into outer space. I don't know what the magic words are though..." And consequently have to wait ten minutes every time we walk past the red spot while both children stand on it with their eyes closed and mutter "magic" words.

 "Mum, my teacher says Santa doesn't exist, it's your parents who put the presents in your stockings. Is that true?"
 Instead of saying "Look, I've got something to tell you... if I could just invent a time machine and go back and never have started this stupid lie that I'm not going to know how to get out of I would!"
I say "Santa only comes to people who believe in him, obviously your teacher doesn't" It disturbs me that I do this.

 I am naturally a really painfully honest person. The boys knew exactly where babies came from the minute they thought to ask. I am an excellent person to go clothes shopping with because I am never ever going to tell you you look good in something when you actually look like a link of sausages. I've been known to apologize to people just for thinking something bad. And yet here I am. Mired in lies. I wish I could see the future. To know if these are the things that are going to stop my children trusting me. At the moment they know (or more accurately, think they know) that I will be honest with them. I have a pretty good track record of explaining things in endless detail until I am really sure they understand.

The Santa thing is the one that worries me most. I know almost everyone does it. But that doesn't mean I had to. The children know I do their dad's stocking, that Santa doesn't come to adults. Would it be really terrible if I put off telling them the truth until they have kids of their own and have to assume stocking duty for their own offspring...??

Emotion.

Sometimes I worry about how my emotions work. I don't think I have standard reactions to things. I don't know if this is caused by some kind of deadening of my feelings from an overload of grief when I was young (you can read about that here if you want) or if it is simply my minds way of protecting itself from the endless horrors that happen in the world. So for instance reading the recent news stories about children who have been kidnapped, I think (not feel) how horrific they are, but I don't exactly empathise - it makes me more paranoid with the boys, I do that thing more where I see the worst case scenario in my head and panic if they are out of my line of sight for more than thirty seconds - a daily occurrence due to their love of bike riding and an inconvenient tree that obscures part of the path - but I just don't feel it when I read this stuff. When I watch the news, shouldn't I be shedding tears at the bombs in Syria? the famine in Somalia? I really don't want these things to be happening, but I'm not in anyway fired up with righteous anger / deep compassion / any other more appropriate emotion.

I was chatting with a friend the other day about that period of time after you have your first child. That bit where all the baby books (and plenty of people too) say you fall deeply, madly desperately in love with your child. Neither of us got it. What we got instead was a 110% percent knowledge of how if anything happened to these tiny perfect beings our lives would be over. It wasn't quite what either of us was expecting. It was certainly an extremely strong feeling, but not the euphoric sea of happiness we'd both been counting on.

I read this blog post about depression yesterday. It is pure genius. If you or anyone you know has severe depression read it read it read it. I do not have depression. I did suffer from it for a while, but I was one of those "lucky" depressed people whose depression is caused by an actual problem. One that hasn't been talked about for way too long. It took me a couple of years and counselling three times a week to talk through everything I needed to, but now, ten years on I can honestly say it is a memory. However I remain an occasionally "depressive" person. I have a much stronger sense of mortality than just about anyone I know. I struggle to see an end if I am sad. There are times when I just have to shut down and disappear into a trashy novel so the world doesn't overwhelm me. Sometimes I just hate to be touched - I have to give a lot of myself to the family in daily life, and sometimes my personal space can really feel like one demand to far. It's part of the reason we live by the sea. It calm me. I mean really alters me - just driving down there ı get a buzz of excitement in my tummy, if I am feeling especially down then I sit by the sea for an hour or two I can remember myself again.

The thing I have noticed recently is that stuff does make me feel, but it's not bad stuff that does so, it's happy stuff.  Below are some videos I have watched over the last few months that helped me remember I am connected to the world, I do care, I am glad these people exist - they gave me happiness in a crying with emotion way.

A wedding proposal: the love, the community, the care, just wow. My husband watched it and had the same reaction as me. The guy who made it - Isaac Lamb - did another pretty awesome one called "say yes to love".

 

 

 

 

The woman who put someone else's trash in the bin.

 

 



 

 

 

Some people who benefited from 'pay it forward' - you have to click on this link because I can't work out how to in-bed them if they aren't from you tube

 

 

The "life together" sequence from Disney-Pixar's UP

 

 

 

The reaction in the New Zealand Parliament after gay marriage was legalised.

 

 

Improvements in the village.

The council has been hard at work!!

The bottom half of the picture is a street near me.