It's that special time again when I write down all the letters I have been composing in my head....
Dear Neighbours-opposite,
Wow aren't you popular! I guess your friends don't know many other people whose complex has a swimming pool huh? Amazing you can fit 15 of you into your three bedroomed house! And you all sound like you are having so much fun - the balcony is definitely the coolest place to sit and enjoy yourselves - I don't know if you realise this or not, but actually the balcony is not in the least soundproof. Nor is the garden - letting five kids loose without supervision to run around is going to get lively! Here's the thing, all those babies are very cute, but would you please get you friends to put swimming nappies on them when they go in the pool? Baby-pee doesn't gross out parents and family, but to anyone else it's just pee. I don't want to swim in a toilet, I really really don't want my kids to. I know those nappies are a bit more pricey than the regular ones, but just think about all the money your friends are saving by using the pool for free / not staying in a hotel! maybe they can put it to good use?
Love,
Your hot grouchy neighbour who hasn't been in the pool for a few days.
Dear Omer Tugrul Inancer,
You want pregnant women to stay at home because they are not "aesthetic"??? Seriously? How does that even make sense? On a daily basis I see both women and men who are so-fat-they-could-be-pregnant-but-aren't wandering around, should they stay at home too? Isn't it nicer to see someone who is heavy with child rather than heavy with too much pie? Is it ok if they are a really pretty pregnant person? I have to assume all these pregnant people you've seen are fairly healthy because in between the swollen feet, water retention, and forty degree heat you really don't want to wander far when you are eight months gone. To be honest I felt like I deserved a meddle when I walked to the shop to buy bread when I was that pregnant. Is it because pregnancy is a sign of fertility whereas obesity is a sign of imminent heart attack? I'm still struggling to see how imminent death is more aesthetic than imminent new life.
Any thoughts?
Confused-from-Fethiye.
Dear people of Agin,
You caught a bird and assumed it was an Israeli spy? You obviously really love your country and want to keep it safe. Yay patriotism.
Keep loving your country!
Best,
Maecy
Dear Governor of Agin,
It has recently come to my attention that the people in your town are both exhibiting signs of paranoia and limited education. It is not normal to see a bird and assume it is an Israeli spy. Someone really needs to explain about "bird migration" to your people - they must of noticed that birds disappear in the winter surely? The appropriate response is actually not to x-ray the bird and release it when cleared of all charges. Maybe you could introduce them to some pigeons, birds that think the appropriate response to oncoming traffic is to out run it rather than fly away, are both entertaining and amazingly reassuring when you are worried that all birds are spies.
Just a thought.
Dear Fabric-Man-in-the-market,
You rock. I love your 5 lira fabric. 1.5m square of awesomeness. So far I have recovered 6 dining room chairs, a foot stool, and a lazee-boy. It's like I have new furniture! I'd tell you this to your face when I turn up again next Tuesday to dig through the big piles of material, but you know, we are in Turkey and I don't make eye-contact with strange men here.
Please keep being awesome,
The very tall foreigner.
P.S. the cushion covers faded when I washed them. Hasn't put me off.
Dear Men of the world.
I don't like speedos. It has nothing to do with your age of physique, I just think they are weird. It is a little too close to public nudity for me. Sometimes if your belly is really big, you can't tell you are wearing anything at all. It's a little disconcerting. Also I don't think long hair and bald spots are a good combination. And I really don't know why, but I find long nails on men really repulsive. I'm sorry. It makes me fell like a bigot judging you so, but I just had to put it out there.
All the best with being attractive in the future,
Maecy.
Dear Hero and Reis,
When you get to be teenagers and go through your obligatory period of rebelliousness, please don't use the above as your template. Wear black and use eyeliner all you want, just keep those nails short.
Love
Mum.
Dear Tile-guy,
I don't know if you know this but you are now the sixth person to get the job working on our tiles. Two of the others didn't turn up. The other four were fired for being so deeply incompetent. Please last more than a morning.
Yours,
The people who really, really don't want their house covered in grout.
Dear Husband,
You have done an amazing job on the house. I am awed, inspired, and amazed by you. Don't give up!
Love
Wife
Dear Rafey,
I can't believe how well you are doing learning to read! I did not think we would get this far so fast, you are doing so so well. Could you please please please do me a favour and get to grips with the difference between P, B, D, and N though? Forgetting between the beginning and end of a three letter word can be a tad frustrating,
Love
mum-trying to-keep-seeing-the bigger-picture.
Dear Metro-Vista weather station,
When you predict storms and then change your prediction back to full sun and 40 degrees it makes my week just that little bit harder. Please get it right the first time.
Maecy the-fan-is-my-best-friend.
Dear Me,
It may feel like you are too hot and too confused to even exist right now, but this is an illusion. You will feel so much better if you actually achieve stuff. Turn off the computer and get on with it.
Love,
......
connection terminated.
Showing posts with label dear so and so. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dear so and so. Show all posts
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Dear so and so...
I write letters like these in my head a lot...
The Lazy Girl's Guide to Life does some pretty funny ones too.
Dear Facebook Friends,
I have noticed recently that the majority of you no longer seem to be able to have a hobby (eg. running, reading, travelling) without getting sponsorship for it. Consequently I have decided to set up my own "just giving" page. Please sponsor me to sit around in my pyjamas eating cake and playing around on the internet. I plan to make this event last for my entire life. So you can see it is a really major and deserving commitment!
All proceeds from your sponsorship will be spent on butter.
Love your friend who is truly amazed how many good causes there are.
Dear Turkish "plumbers"
Knowing how to turn on a tap is not the same as knowing how to lay pipes and plumb in a toilet. Just so you know, even I a non-plumber, wouldn't think that attaching the washing machine and toilet for two different apartments to the same 5cm pipe a good idea. It wasn't. I'm going to start asking to see your certificates.
Your sincerely,
maecy ( aka Mrs. there-is-not-enough-bleach-in-the-world.)
Dear bigots who keep commenting on news stories about the Boston Marathon Bombing with the phrase "not all Muslims are terrorists, but all terrorists are Muslim."
I would like to draw your attention to this list. By and large and terrorists found in Ireland are not going to be Muslim. Nor are the ones in Spain. If they include the word "Sikh" in their name that should be a clue that they aren't Muslim either. I can also pretty much guarantee that the communist ones aren't Muslims.
There is no shame in taking a deep breath and fact checking inflammatory statements before you make them. You might even find that you learn something!
Sincerely,
A person who knows how to use google.
Dear every blogger ever,
Please add a subscribe by email button to your blog. You have to be beyond exceptional for people to keep coming back and checking your page, and even then it's still hard to remember. Add one, give your readers a break
xxmaecy-with-mummy-brain
Dear USA,
I'll try not to assume you are all obese, undereducated, lazy, scarily right-wing Christians, and /or porn stars, if you don't assume everyone who lives in a Muslim country is an oppressed, brain-washed, terrorist in waiting.
Deal?
Yours sincerely,
maecy (religion undisclosed)
Dear Rafey,
You can not be full just because your brother finished his food faster than you. Eating and giggling are not compatible.
xxx mum (don't-make-me-tell-you-to-finish-your-food-again.)
Dear Countries that Oppress Women,
Your economy will never be strong if half your population can't work. Please stop being wrong. If you let both men and women make real choices you'll be surprised how well things can work out!
Yours faithfully
A stay at home mother (by choice)
Dear Turkish Real Estate Agents,
A few tips:
1) Be aware of how many bedrooms a property has - don't put one number in the title and another in the description.
2) Learn how to use google maps - pinning an unspecified point in the sea does not back up your claim that the property is near the beach, it undermines it.
3) 'Lux' means 'luxury.' You need to go with a general standard of luxury here - i.e. better than normal. You need to assume that the people checking your properties don't live in a leaky tent, and are used to the concept of a building having both windows and walls - it needs to have more than just these things if you want to label it as luxury.
4) A man without a shirt sitting on the couch is not a selling point. Please ask him to move before taking any more photos.
5) If you claim there is a sea view you should take a picture of it.
6) When you take photos make sure they show the actual rooms - not just a corner of them / the ceiling, but the whole space. You may be excited about your staircase but no one else will be. Your photos should include both the inside and outside of the house - it's not an either/or thing. There should not be more photos of the surrounding area than of the actual house.
7) I know this seems daunting but you really should include some photos, especially if your asking price is 20 times the average annual wage.
8) When you give a contact number on a website, you need to ensure it is a) a valid number, b) your number c) that you won't then forget to pay your phone bill / switch your phone off for the next three months etc.
9) You work on commission, if someone calls about a property and you say you will call them back you should really do that.
10) Pounds and lira follow an exchange rate (multiply by 2.5 as a rough guide.) 90,000tl is not the same as £90,000.
11) Driving and walking are done at different speeds, try to specify which you mean rather than using the two interchangeably without any clarification.
12) If the property you are trying to sell is listed with more than one agent, check you are all selling it at the same price.
All the best with not going bankrupt,
maecy (in the end found a property without your "help")
Dear Hero,
If you tease your little brother for an hour without stopping, he's going to end up hitting you. I will not be sympathetic.
Just sayin'
Love mum
Dear Me,
Here's a tip - it takes two minutes to double check you turned off the iron. If you do this you will not: leave the house, go to town, get struck by paranoia, panic because there is no bus, waste an hour making an expensive and convoluted journey home despising yourself for all those desperate "emergency only" prayers, only to discover the iron was off all along.
Please be smarter,
Love
Dear H,
If you ask me to look for something, go out, then find it in the car, call and tell me. The house will not be torn to shreds and I will not be frazzled and frustrated when you come home (maybe.)
xm
Dear Disqus, Google +, and your friends,
I just want to be able to get a few thoughts down by writing a blog. I really like reading other peoples blogs and commenting on them. I want to comment as my blog. Why is that so hard? I don't want to have to be signed up to twenty different programmes just to say "hear ya!" to someone in blog land. I'm not thick, but I really really don't get the point of any of you! I want people to click on my name when I comment and get to my blog so they can get to know me, not click on my name and end up on some rubbish profile page which says nothing. I'm the type of person who buys a phone to make phone calls not throw birds as bombs / take low-grade photos / programme my oven. Can you please make it an option for people like me to use your websites?
Pretty please??
maecy / interesting ordinary
The Lazy Girl's Guide to Life does some pretty funny ones too.
Dear Facebook Friends,
I have noticed recently that the majority of you no longer seem to be able to have a hobby (eg. running, reading, travelling) without getting sponsorship for it. Consequently I have decided to set up my own "just giving" page. Please sponsor me to sit around in my pyjamas eating cake and playing around on the internet. I plan to make this event last for my entire life. So you can see it is a really major and deserving commitment!
All proceeds from your sponsorship will be spent on butter.
Love your friend who is truly amazed how many good causes there are.
Dear Turkish "plumbers"
Knowing how to turn on a tap is not the same as knowing how to lay pipes and plumb in a toilet. Just so you know, even I a non-plumber, wouldn't think that attaching the washing machine and toilet for two different apartments to the same 5cm pipe a good idea. It wasn't. I'm going to start asking to see your certificates.
Your sincerely,
maecy ( aka Mrs. there-is-not-enough-bleach-in-the-world.)
Dear bigots who keep commenting on news stories about the Boston Marathon Bombing with the phrase "not all Muslims are terrorists, but all terrorists are Muslim."
I would like to draw your attention to this list. By and large and terrorists found in Ireland are not going to be Muslim. Nor are the ones in Spain. If they include the word "Sikh" in their name that should be a clue that they aren't Muslim either. I can also pretty much guarantee that the communist ones aren't Muslims.
There is no shame in taking a deep breath and fact checking inflammatory statements before you make them. You might even find that you learn something!
Sincerely,
A person who knows how to use google.
Dear every blogger ever,
Please add a subscribe by email button to your blog. You have to be beyond exceptional for people to keep coming back and checking your page, and even then it's still hard to remember. Add one, give your readers a break
xxmaecy-with-mummy-brain
Dear USA,
I'll try not to assume you are all obese, undereducated, lazy, scarily right-wing Christians, and /or porn stars, if you don't assume everyone who lives in a Muslim country is an oppressed, brain-washed, terrorist in waiting.
Deal?
Yours sincerely,
maecy (religion undisclosed)
Dear Rafey,
You can not be full just because your brother finished his food faster than you. Eating and giggling are not compatible.
xxx mum (don't-make-me-tell-you-to-finish-your-food-again.)
Dear Countries that Oppress Women,
Your economy will never be strong if half your population can't work. Please stop being wrong. If you let both men and women make real choices you'll be surprised how well things can work out!
Yours faithfully
A stay at home mother (by choice)
Dear Turkish Real Estate Agents,
A few tips:
1) Be aware of how many bedrooms a property has - don't put one number in the title and another in the description.
2) Learn how to use google maps - pinning an unspecified point in the sea does not back up your claim that the property is near the beach, it undermines it.
3) 'Lux' means 'luxury.' You need to go with a general standard of luxury here - i.e. better than normal. You need to assume that the people checking your properties don't live in a leaky tent, and are used to the concept of a building having both windows and walls - it needs to have more than just these things if you want to label it as luxury.
4) A man without a shirt sitting on the couch is not a selling point. Please ask him to move before taking any more photos.
5) If you claim there is a sea view you should take a picture of it.
6) When you take photos make sure they show the actual rooms - not just a corner of them / the ceiling, but the whole space. You may be excited about your staircase but no one else will be. Your photos should include both the inside and outside of the house - it's not an either/or thing. There should not be more photos of the surrounding area than of the actual house.
7) I know this seems daunting but you really should include some photos, especially if your asking price is 20 times the average annual wage.
8) When you give a contact number on a website, you need to ensure it is a) a valid number, b) your number c) that you won't then forget to pay your phone bill / switch your phone off for the next three months etc.
9) You work on commission, if someone calls about a property and you say you will call them back you should really do that.
10) Pounds and lira follow an exchange rate (multiply by 2.5 as a rough guide.) 90,000tl is not the same as £90,000.
11) Driving and walking are done at different speeds, try to specify which you mean rather than using the two interchangeably without any clarification.
12) If the property you are trying to sell is listed with more than one agent, check you are all selling it at the same price.
All the best with not going bankrupt,
maecy (in the end found a property without your "help")
Dear Hero,
If you tease your little brother for an hour without stopping, he's going to end up hitting you. I will not be sympathetic.
Just sayin'
Love mum
Dear Me,
Here's a tip - it takes two minutes to double check you turned off the iron. If you do this you will not: leave the house, go to town, get struck by paranoia, panic because there is no bus, waste an hour making an expensive and convoluted journey home despising yourself for all those desperate "emergency only" prayers, only to discover the iron was off all along.
Please be smarter,
Love
Dear H,
If you ask me to look for something, go out, then find it in the car, call and tell me. The house will not be torn to shreds and I will not be frazzled and frustrated when you come home (maybe.)
xm
Dear Disqus, Google +, and your friends,
I just want to be able to get a few thoughts down by writing a blog. I really like reading other peoples blogs and commenting on them. I want to comment as my blog. Why is that so hard? I don't want to have to be signed up to twenty different programmes just to say "hear ya!" to someone in blog land. I'm not thick, but I really really don't get the point of any of you! I want people to click on my name when I comment and get to my blog so they can get to know me, not click on my name and end up on some rubbish profile page which says nothing. I'm the type of person who buys a phone to make phone calls not throw birds as bombs / take low-grade photos / programme my oven. Can you please make it an option for people like me to use your websites?
Pretty please??
maecy / interesting ordinary
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